Leadership scholar Yukl states, “Secrecy is the enemy of learning” and Wheatley states “Information lies at the heart of life.” These statements become especially pertinent within groups and organizations in which there is a lack of open and honest communication going on between team members. Sometimes this breakdown comes because information is a powerful weapon that can be wielded to gain advantage or control others. Other times communication comes to a standstill because there is the proverbial “elephant in the room” of which no one is willing to speak for fear of losing status, influence, or sometimes even their job. Cameron & Quinn refer to this as an “undiscussable issue.” We all understand what that is: a topic, an ignored problem or a denied truth that is taking an organization down, but to bring it up would be professional suicide. Heifetz, Grashow & Linsky call these “unspeakable issues” and state, “anyone who has the courage to raise these may become immediately unpopular and lose their standing in the organization or even their job,” and Cawsey & Deszca state, “If messengers believe that the act of communicating will put them at risk, they will alter their behavior accordingly.”
I go through this exercise of quote-giving simply to state that one of the common problems I see in today’s struggling organizations, dysfunctional families, or challenging relationships is that people have stopped speaking truth when truth is what needs to be heard. I’m not suggesting that we throw caution to the wind and say whatever we feel like in a staff meeting, chew out the boss, or give a relative or friend a piece of our mind. However, I believe that we’ve become a culture that is so offense-adverse that we no longer say the hard things that people and organizations sometimes need to hear. We’re all guilty of this. We bite our tongue when we should speak up. We change the subject when things get a little tense. We dodge direct questions even when we know we have the answer to a problem at work and have been asked a direct question. I believe that this is harming our relationships and our organizations and I would love to see us start to have a bit more of a backbone and speak up. Not rudely or in an unkind way, but truthfully, and as scripture tells us, “in love.”
Recently I heard a speaker state, “Unspoken expectations always go unmet.” How very true that is. It’s the same for unspoken truth, which never does anyone any good, and unshared solutions which never fix any problems. Kegan & Lahey state, “A hallmark of adaptive change is that one’s grasp exceeds one’s reach.” Basically this says that we must strive to go beyond what we believe is within our reach and grasp for better relationships, honest conversations, and yes, the discussion of undiscussable issues! Let’s all see if we can improve in this area of our communication and dare to speak truth. It might be uncomfortable, but I believe it can do those we lead, follow, and love a world of good.
Lead well.